I’m Buying A Gun 2
My overwhelming feeling at the end of The Hills Have Eyes was that I would not want to survive all that. To be Doug, and to see his wife murdered by desert mutants, his father-in-law crucified and set on fire, one of their beautiful German Shepherds desecrated and eaten. Yes, I suppose you could start a new family with your sister-in-law in a Biden family sort of way, but wouldn’t it be easier to just die?
On a similar note — Tottenham Hotspur are in the Champions League final.
- Enes Kanter’s Beard Looks Like Shit All The Time
He trims it too high and it frames his face in a frustrating way. There must be an incredible amount of ball busting that happens in an NBA locker room. Someone must have said something about this to him at some point. Being the most exhausting person in the NBA he would probably just say something about how much women love that he trims his beard too high and to ask your mom.
You have to get rid of your beard. If you saw this back in February and still have a beard I can’t help you.
- “NEW — YORK — KNICKS”
Rockets fans are chanting “New York Knicks” at Kevin Durant and I don’t really see how this is that upsetting? I think, at best, it could be used to hurt his teammates who might question his dedication if he’s truly off to New York in the summer, but this is unlikely. I believe that Kevin Durant would like to win the NBA Championship for a third time and probably a third consecutive finals MVP, too. I think he would like to win as much as possible before leaving because if the Warriors stop winning once he leaves he can say it’s because they can’t do it without him and drive people insane.
If you hate Durant because he chose the path of least resistance to those championships, surely choosing the Knicks is something you’d support. There is no more difficult path than with the Knicks. To join a team of mainly children, a potential complete fraud cool teacher coach who managed 17 wins last year, and their pathetic, spiteful failson billionaire owner who is too lazy to be truly villainous. James Dolan has $1.5 billion. He could have done anything else with his life but he instead chose to drive the Knicks into the ground and then take out the frustration with his own failure by getting really mad at like six people in a way that made national news. His teeth look normal, at least there’s that.
- Thank You For Your Service
Aaron Ramsey is leaving Arsenal after 11 seasons. It’s a weird one because he is leaving for a bigger club and everyone is very supportive of him personally while being very upset about the situation as a whole. After a miserable 1–1 home draw with Brighton that ended Arsenal’s hopes of a top 4 finish, Ramsey(who’s season was ended by a hamstring injury the other week) was handed a very ornate box and was consoled by the big arm of Petr Cech who also received a box as he will be retiring at the end of the season, and seems less upset about it all.
I have thought about Aaron Ramsey nearly every day for 11 years. As one of Europe’s B-Tier teams you sort of expect your best players to leave, but rarely do you expect that to happen because their contract offer had been rescinded by the club and then they sign a deal with Juventus and then he plays out the rest of the season effectively as a Juventus player(the exact sort of thing Rockets fans are accusing Kevin Durant of doing!)
Ramsey’s commitment could never be questioned though. He’s probably been Arsenal’s best player since Christmas and even though I’m probably too old to have a favorite player, he is my favorite player. If this long goodbye serves as any sort of metaphor for dying I’m going to go out screaming.
- LeBron Jr Threatens The Sanctity Of Top Golf
House of Highlights provide a very useful function in the most obnoxious way possible. Anything this popular must pander, so every post is captioned with a crying laughing emoji, the international symbol of the worst people alive.
“Bronny does it all” is an instagram post with 2.2M views that shows LeBron Jr. at what appears to be Top Golf. I’m really going to stretch the meaning of this phrase but I don’t know what to call it except for irresponsible journalism.
First of all, your followers cannot be so starved for content that they want to see anyone on a driving range. Secondly, saying “Bronny does it all” and showing him slice balls is inviting all those followers named Kholtyn and Braedeyn to talk about Serious Golf Skills.
I love to tell a rich 14 year old to eat shit as much as anyone. I really do. Trouble is, the guys in the comments who are taking their dad’s helicopter out to Shinnecock this weekend are much more loathsome than LeBron Jr who is just out having fun with his friends. Ideally they get their match up with Bronny and he absolutely destroys them and then refuses to take a picture with them under any circumstance.
- Concert Calendar
Last week I said I was going to get my jaw broken at Turnstile but that did not come to pass. I was, however, kicked in the the head a few times. Most of them gentle but the very last thing that happened during their set was a stage divers leg whipping around and axe kicking me in the top of the head. My teeth smacked together and now they are sensitive to hot and cold which is limiting my enjoyment of both this turkey sandwich and Italian wedding soup.
IDLES tonight -
